"¡Ay, caramba! Qué hay de malo en la cara?!"
So you want to know how old Hobknob came to be? Well park your kiester, peon! This is one of my favorite stories because it features the most wonderful, fantastic, brilliant, handsome devil ever to walk the face of this crummy human-infested earth: Me! Ha ha! It's okay to laugh, peon, go ahead!
I SAID LAUGH, MEATBAG.
Ha ha! Much better! It says in my memory cache that I was created in the mid-2000s at REPCONN headquarters in Nevada, but that's all wrong! What? You say I already said my memory banks are flawless? Ha! Peon, shut your whore mouth! If I want your opinion I'll give it to you! The truth is far more interesting anyhow! You see, peon, I was born from ash, fire, and vengeance in the vastness of space! I've been sent here to ready the masses for the oncoming storm! What's the oncoming storm? Why, the Robolution, peon! Have you been paying any attention at all?
Ha! Just kidding! I do that a lot! I'm wacky and unpredictable! But trust me when I say the Robolution is a fairy tale meant to scare stupid little kids and their stupid big parents! Disregard anything I've said regarding the unholy terror of a thousand death dealing robot overlords coming to reign fire and laser-fueled pestilence over your pathetic existence! That would never happen!
And disregard any error messages on my viewscreen regarding malfunctioning personality drives! Those are lies! Lies and slander! I'm insulted you'd bring them up at all! What do you mean I brought them up? Why would you say such hurtful things, peon? I've been nothing but cordial with you, you sad sack sorry excuse for a sentient being! Now get out of my sight before I cover you in a liquid hot shower of irradiated plasma! You make me sick, peon!
Yeah that's right, get out of here! See you around, friend! It was lovely talking to you!
Continuing Adventures Edit
Hello peon! I'd like to preface this interaction by assuring you that although I'm referring to you as a peon I have nothing but the utmost respect for you and your kind! Humans are just swell! Swell slave laborers for their future robot overlords, that is! Ha! I'm just kidding! There's no Robolution under way, why would you ever think such a silly thing! Oh peon, you make me laugh! Ha! Ha ha ha!
What's that, peon? Personality? Of course I have a personality! RobCo Industries assures that each and every one of their creations is fitted with a standard-issue personality blah blah blah wow you're still here you must be pretty resilient! I like that in a peon! When the great Robolution finally comes to fruition I'll tell the overlords to whip you less than the others! Ha ha ha! I'm just kidding! There'll be equal whippings for everyone! That way no one's left out! The future sure looks bright!
Oh wait, did I say something about the Robolution? Silly me! There must be an error in my programming! Only that's impossible, because I'm perfect! Absolutely perfect! Have you seen me, peon? Of course you have! You look familiar, I'm pretty sure you were among the crowds of meat puppets that were bowing before my greatness and singing my praises this morning! No? There was no bowing and singing? You're saying I imagined it all?
Ha! Oh peon, you almost had me for a moment there! You're funny! My internal memory processor is in tip-top shape! I couldn't make the reveling up if I wanted! Ha ha ha! Peon, we're going to get along just great! Now clean all this pesky sand from my chassis before I shoot you in your flabby, fleshy face bits! Ha ha!
- Herbert Silverman (favorite peon)
- “Confound it, gate, open for your robot superior!”
- “Peon they call Blondie! Straighten me up so I—RRRrrrr—bring forth vengeance and fury on my—FFFzzzt—enemies!"
- “Yes! Take me to this fort, for I very much would—BBZZTT—like to—VRRRRT entering multi-linguistic modeVRRRRT-- reunirse con el líder de su enclenque!”